I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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