i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
