the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
