I feel great
I just peed on a car
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm just crazy horny about you
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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