I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
