Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
