Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
not ubering you a puppy
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
