My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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