When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
