My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
