doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
