so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
