Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize