Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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