Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
All I want is dick and wine.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize