My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
