I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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