Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
