Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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