somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
