and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
