I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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