youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
