I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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