i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize