ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
