Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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