i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
