So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
