her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
