I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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