john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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