do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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