Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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