I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize