So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
