i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
