on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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