I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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