who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
