can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
