her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
