you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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