is your mom at the bar?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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