yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
