Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I bet he comes in French.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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