were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize