i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Green mimosas i think yes
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
