My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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