Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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