Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
