Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
