I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
