So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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