fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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