I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
