1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Ketchup is God's man juice
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
