im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
