dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
