Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize