I'd wear matching sweaters with you
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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