dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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