Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Text me some of your sweat
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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