She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize