Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
