Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
